open letters

An open letter to Ripped Fuel

Dear Ripped Fuel,

Firstly, I would like to thank you for making me lose all the weight I gained over the summer. It was very easy to do with you in my system. Having said that, I do have some complaints.

First, is it really necessary to raise my heartbeat to that of a lab rat after I take your pill? Seriously. My heart stops beating and just hums. This can't be good.

Secondly, why must I become totally enflamed in color. I look like a cocaine addict. And not the good kind. Red is not a good color. I am not American Indian, or Clifford the Dog.

Thirdly, why must you turn me into a Root Beer machine. I spray shoot all over the place when I take you. Is that how you work? You chew up my insides and then practically spit them out?!?

Anyway, I am still happy to be skinny, with a humming heart. I'd rather be skinny anyway.

Sincerely,
Lobster Skin Man


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